She’s watching “Charmed” on DVD. It’s her favorite show. Piper, Paige, and Phoebe have just killed the Source!! Yes!! After a long battle against the source of all evil, the deed is finally done. Good has triumphed!! Her children join her; they own all eight seasons and have spent many happy hours cheering the three famous sisters who handle demons and motherhood with unwavering gusto. Just like her, really. Motherhood, marriage, gusto…mmm. What about demons? She has her own handsome devil coming back from work every night surrounded by a cloud of electric energy made in Manhattan; two monsters, really, if she counts the adorable younger version of her husband; those are harmless, happy toads turned into cuddly creatures by her gentle ministrations. But between the kitchen and the lipstick case there are a few shadows that lurk and show their scary heads when she lets down her guard. What’s happened to the paintbrushes she put away when her first daughter was born, when she believed that she could only handle one masterpiece at a time? To the many pictures that keep growing inside her heart, pregnancies neither aborted nor delivered? It’s getting harder and harder to ignore their plea. “Take some time for yourself; do what you want to do for a change.” What keeps her from an hour of drawing, an afternoon in a museum, a day in the city? Why does she keep hiding behind a glorious smile and a pile of laundry? What is the source of her reluctance to reacquaint herself with the woman she’s become? She will not find the answer in a TV show; this is very private detective work, the patient peeling of her own secret onion, one layer at a time. The demon will stand strong and unabated in the face of defiance. It is not easy to be a 40+ year old woman with everything going for her; not when she cannot start to express what makes her go or what makes her stall; when the green of an apron feels more comfortable than a trip into the wilderness of her own soul.
(to be continued)